why it's okay to feel something (or a lot) // an unhinged teen's memoir

Hey, everyone.

(You know what, I am actually disgusted with myself for opening this with 'hey'. That word is eternally associated with bland thirteen year old boys sliding into ur kik at one in the morning... but I honestly just don't know how to tastefully open these things. Just excuse the opening and read the rest of this please & thank you.)

ANYWAY.

When I look back at my life 20 years from now, I want to remember myself as being the girl who:

1) said YES to things

2) watched more sunsets than slime videos (lol if you know you know)

3) fell in love, the real kind, at least once

4) chose God before anything (or anyONE) else

5) obtained clear skin somehow. eventually. in a different dimension. maybe. IDEK.

6) found every excuse to listen to Beyonce often & always

7) had a fierce bounce back attitude like Beyonce

8) worked RELENTLESSLY for the things that made me passionate

9) was known for her kindness & helping others

10) lived without being afraid of FEELING.

These are all ever-present aspirations of mine. I am constantly analyzing my life, and thinking "Am I going to remember today five years from now?" or "Will I tell my kids about this one day?" & if the answer is no? I CHANGE WHAT I'M DOING.

I get it- you have to take Chemistry and you have to endure personal finance for the freaking credit and you have to do anti-climatic stuff all the time. Some things are completely out of your control. Your life isn't going to be an 80's rom com or award-winning broadway production every single second of every single day.

But, when I look back at my life as I'm sitting in a nursing home eating apple sauce or whatever they serve there, I hope I can say that my life was a love story. At the end of it all, I want to know that I loved & was loved & was open to everything God had in store for me.

*pictured: me about to spill some tea or collect said spilled tea.*

But, all that inspirational stuff aside, I want to focus specifically on #10- living without being afraid of feeling. This is something that, sadly, people can go their entire LIVES without fully grasping.

Human beings are so AFRAID of emotions- I mean think about it! We hate telling people we are in pain. ((we'll subtweet & cut off & pretend we aren't mad but do we actually talk to that person? haha, NEVER.)) We have so many wars going in our heads that our loved ones have no idea about!

I have been in MILLIONS, frik, INFINITE, situations where I am sitting with a friend and they are rightfully heartbroken over X,Y, or Z and say "I'm sorry, I know it's dumb I'm feeling this way." or "I'm sorry, I know I'm being over dramatic." OR, my personal most loathed, "I know it's wrong for me to feel this way."

WE, AS HUMAN BEINGS, NEED TO DESTROY THIS MENTALITY OF BEING ASHAMED OF HOW WE FEEL.

Psychologists have confirmed that we have no initial control over how we feel- and belittling emotions, pretending like they don't exist, or trying to fold them neatly into a box, is so so damaging.

& it stops us from fully experiencing everything life has to offer.

To all reading: It is okay to feel heartbroken about a boy who hurt you two years ago. It is okay to feel raging mad about someone cutting you off on the road. It is okay to cry in front of people because you've been keeping it in for too long. It is OKAY to let yourself be vulnerable for a split second. In fact, it's beautiful.

Think about how DIFFERENT friend groups, school, & societies as a whole would be if people simply spoke their mind and everyone took their masks off. Have you ever just looked at everyone, actually looked, and wondered why they put on mascara that morning? Wondered about why they look distressed or upset? Or wondered who they miss, what's hurting them, & what they wish they could change?

Emotional strength takes practice. It took me years to finally start accepting the way I feel about things & who I am as a person & I still hate being vulnerable in front of people.

BuuUUttt, I PROMISE (from my own life experience) that if you become emotionally open & honest with yourself & others, your life will change.

1) you'll have less breakdowns

2) you'll KNOW yourself better

3) you'll be able to get over thinks MUCH MUCH faster (denying emotions anchors emotions)

4) you'll instinctively start thinking OUTWARD (is he/she okay? how can I help them?)

5) you'll find peace

6) you'll be able to enjoy your youth to the fullest

Please don't suppress your emotions. Obviously, you have to control them, but don't conceal them. The worst feeling in the world is finding out that someone close to you was dealing with depression/anxiety/mental health disorder & you didn't know. We all deal with hard things, none are exempt. Some of us are just better at hiding it, but I think the world would be a much better place if we all told each other what goes on in our heads.

So, the next time someone asks you if you're okay & you're not, tell them the truth.

& be 100% unapologetic about the truth.

All my love, Sky.