for the skeleton girls & boys.

*Trigger warning for those who deal or have dealt with eating disorders, body dysmorphia, or severe self hate.*

Her Story

"When my mom told me I looked more like a skeleton than a girl, it was simultaneously heaven and hell."

It was the most gorgeous spring morning, and I was sitting across my radiant friend, trying with all of my heart to fight back tears in the middle of Panera. She had recently opened up to me about her eating disorders, & I told her that I would be honored if she'd contribute her story to my writing.

I am telling her story in an attempt to change the endings of others.

My dear friend. My beautiful, brave, and insurmountably strong & angelic friend had lived through absolute hell from the ripe age of eleven. She dealt with severe anorexia and bulimia.

"It got to the point where I couldn't walk down the steps without almost fainting. I was purging (throwing up) after every single meal and exercising as much as I breathed. My mom told me I looked like a skeleton," She told me.

My friend was ultimately sent to a facility to heal. Though they fed her nutrients, and her physical appearance gradually replenished itself, the psychiatric aspect of her disorders were significantly more difficult to overcome.

Ultimately, it becomes an addiction. There's a chemical high that accompanies losing a pound; of having someone compare you to a rail, rather than a human being. There's an addicting surge of euphoria as you slowly see the fat evaporate from your body.

It may instigate from wanting to be thin. Our airbrushed, size-zero Barbie society has been shoving the idea of perfection down our throats since before we could talk. It's engrained in us by a sick society. Eating disorders may begin with simply wanting to fit the impossible mold of The Perfect Girl. But it is much, much deeper than desiring a thigh gap and a flat stomach.

Eating disorders are a mental disorder with physical side effects.

It often centers around feeling an insatiable need for control. By starving oneself, purging, or binging, you find yourself seeking endlessly for that sense of control. It is a very mentally draining experience, and one that people from ALL backgrounds can experience (you don't have to be a skinny female to have an eating disorder. You can be male, obese, and virtually any type of human being).

I commend my friend for her bravery, ad truly look up to her so much. She courageously admitted to me that she struggles with temptations, bad habits, and destructive thoughts. Because it is such a mental battle, some may even struggle for the duration of their lives. But my sweet friend keeps trying. She tries every single day to overcome her demons. I absolutely adore her for that, and for all of the vulnerability she offered to me.

My Story

I don't yet feel comfortable to share the specific details regarding my disordered eating & body dysmorphia. However, I will show you a *glimpse into this five year and ongoing part of my life in order to (hopefully) help others.

I binged and restricted, (over-ate and then refused to eat to try and compensate), through the ages 12-16. I felt like my life was spinning out of control, and I felt that being skinny was the true key to happiness. I looked in the mirror and absolutely loathed myself. I considered myself to be unloveable, worthless, disgusting, and never enough for anyone. I was never going to be enough for myself.

Throughout these years of weight fluctuation, my head was absolutely spinning with the opinions of others:

"You're really not fat. Just curvy."

"Maybe you should go to a camp where they don't allow you to eat."

"Once you lose weight, boys will actually approach you. Big girls don't get boys."

"Don't wear white or stripes, it'll make you look wider."

"Maybe you should try a plus sized store."

"Your husband will just have to fall in love with your soul, Skylar."

"I don't know why men sleep with curvy girls. That's so gross."

"Just don't eat."

I would be scared to eat at all in front of people, fearing that they'd see me as a self indulgent pig. At pool parties, I would literally hyperventilate before walking in. After ballet classes, I would hide myself in the bathroom and sob about how monstrously obese I felt. Whenever a boy was around, I would always always always wear baggy clothes and black, or make myself as invisible as humanly possible. I would weigh myself every single morning, and that would determine the mood of the rest of the day. Losing a fraction of a pound was addicting; gaining made me want to hurt myself. And sometimes, I did.

There are many details I am intentionally leaving out of my own personal journey. Some of my own family members don't know the extent of my daily struggle with food and crippling self hate. I am not yet as brave as my friend, and can't share everything on a platform like this yet.

My intention is not to victimize myself. I have had many wonderful people tell me they think I'm beautiful exactly as I am. I have cried in the arms of my mother millions of times. I've broken down in my best friends' cars, gotten amazing medical advice, and have felt assurance from God that he doesn't want me to feel this intense of a hatred for the body HE created.

If you are dealing with an eating disorder, self hatred, or anything within that realm, this is a letter just for you:

Dear Skeleton Boys & Girls (***human beings who wish to be skeletons instead of human beings)***,

Hi. I love you. Wow, I love you so much.

I understand you. I understand your shame, addictions, constant journey for validations, your search for control, and your secrets. YOUR story is entirely your own, and authentic from anyone else's, but the themes are all too familiar to me.

I understand that it sucks to live in a universe that is screaming for you to redesign who you are. I know what it's like to wake up everyday with the choking fear of gaining weight. I know what it's like to simply want to disappear, to seek unconditional love, and to constantly chase after Being Enough.

Enough doesn't exist. Perfection doesn't exist. They are concepts structured by a society that has disillusioned us into thinking beauty = perfection. We will never, ever be perfect, and the pursuit of perfection will rob you of the richness of realizing exactly who you are.

The older I get, the more I realize how fluid the definition of beautiful truly is. When someone laughs until they can't breathe, I think that's the most beautiful thing in the world. Seeing kindness pour from somebody's lips, watching my friend make a brilliant speech about Immigration reform, watching a boy pray, and seeing my grandma hug my little cousin is the DEFINITION of beauty to me. We are taught to be an exclusively visual human race; but our bodies are simply our vessels.

Your brain, laugh, smile, fears, interests, talents, midnight ramblings, passions, ability to love, beliefs, dreams, ideas, connections, and imperfections are the DNA of who you are. The size of your waist couldn't possibly determine your worth. There is infinitely more to you than the definition of your cheekbones.

But it's not just about physical appearance, right? It's a mental battle. It's one that can't be cured by simply eating, or dieting, or just cooperating with whatever your mom/therapist/coach insists on making you do. In order to truly conquer this, you must dive into your mind.

Why do you feel the insatiable need to control? What in your life is making you feel out of control?

There is nothing wrong with who you are. This misplaced shame and isolation stems from the fallen world you are living in. It doesn't come from a Creator who loves you unconditionally. If your wish is to be loved for exactly who you are, look up. Rely on Heavenly Father, who knows you better than any mortal creature ever could.

You're okay. You're good enough. You're brilliant, kind, capable, strong, brave, and wonderful.

To all of my skeleton boys & girls: you will heal. You are healing right now. Healing isn't a linear process, but it will come. You will forever be in my hearts and on my mind until that day & long after.

All of the love in the entire universe, Skylar Presley

For more information, please go to: NEDA

Feel free to contact me at tnskylar@gmail.com or on my Instagram @skylarpresleym.